I have spent a lot of time in the last 8 years in a courtroom. I have learned a LOT from this experience ...
1. You do NOT have to defend yourself against lies. If it's a lie, then that's all it is and there is nothing I can do to change the fact that someone else is a liar. All I do is say it's not true and I have no idea where that came from. I don't have to prove my innocence.
2. You can NOT make someone be a good parent. It is their choice entirely. It doesn't matter how many sanctions you put on them, or how many court orders are implemented, bottom line, if he's going to be a douchebag, he's just going to be a douchebag ...
3. It really DOES pay to be the good one. I have said this for years. And let me tell you, staying squeaky clean gives me 100% credibility. If you're up against someone who has continuous brushes with the law and trouble following the rules, you practically "win" by default.
4. I am thankful that I have a job, and have been there for over 8 years. It shows I'm reliable and gainfully employed. I can't say that for a lot of other people. I have kept a good reputation and I'm well liked. I know that this is a place I want to be for a long time too. All it does it show the court that I am responsible and respected.
5. If you have access to an attorney: USE COUNSEL. I'm pretty well versed in legalese now that I've done this for so long, but it makes all the difference in the world to have someone represent you who the judges, the court staff and the bailiffs respect. Besides, when it is time to present the case, you don't have to worry about fumbling your words or miss-speaking.
6. Remember that whatever you write in your declaration can possibly be brought up in the courtroom ... I have learned quite a bit about how the courts react to certain arguments ... go sit in Family Court on a Monday morning and you get to hear EVERYONE'S dirty laundry being aired. I couldn't help myself but chuckle multiple times at how stupid people are. Remember, just because it means something to YOU, doesn't mean it matters in the courtroom or to the judge. And please remember this above all, if you work, then it's YOUR tax dollars being spent to hear about how someone wants the computer back because they let inappropriate pictures be taken of them ... AND EVERYONE in the courtroom heard that ...
7. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT! Keep a date book and write down EVERYTHING. If you need a civil standby anytime there is contact with the other party, get one . While some police/sheriffs don't necessarily "like" doing this, sometimes it's the only way to make sure you/your children are safe and orders are being followed. Use your local police or sheriffs station as a meeting point to make it easier on the responding officer. Be prepared with your court order, the officer will want to see it. If the other party is not complying, you have THE PERFECT WITNESS. Every time a court order is broken, file a motion. If you choose to "let it go" and hope the other party will "begin to follow the rules" you have already condoned their behavior and you are setting a precedence. You are now just as guilty at not following the order. Let's put it this way ... if someone else isn't following the law, and your children are involved, and you allow it to happen, do YOU want to go to jail or have your kids taken away because of the other parent? It can happen.
8. Be thankful for CPS. I know a LOT of people are scared of them or dislike them because of the horror stories they have heard. But bottom line, their job truly is to protect children. I can't tell you how many times I have had them at my door or the Sheriff wanting to do a welfare check. ESPECIALLY in the middle of the night because someone was trying to screw with me and my life. Not because any children were actually in "DANGER." It has been over a dozen times. LITERALLY. But guess what? Have I ever had a social worker? Have I ever been charged with ANYTHING? No, to both. Why? Because I have made myself and my children available EVERY TIME me and my family were being investigated. I have had nothing to hide and I ALWAYS let my children be interviewed without me in the room. Why? Because as I have said before, I have nothing to hide. Yes, I discipline my children, as all good parents should. But I never cross the line and my children will tell you that. Don't get me wrong, they still run when they hear they may be getting a spankin' in the near future ... ;) WHICH, the last case worker explicitly told my children I was entitled to do.
9. Don't use your children as a way to get back at the other parent. If the other parent truly wants to be a part of their lives, then make sure it happens, especially if the children WANT to see that parent. In my case, while he SAYS he wants to be there, all of his other actions prove otherwise. And thankfully I have had just about everyone under the sun see that his behavior is disturbingly less than desirable. This other parent is more concerned in being right and "winning" in court than actually caring about our son. Don't let that be you. Remember the children just want to be loved and the more people there are who love and care for your kids the better.
10. Lastly, make peace with the other parties if at all possible. I have one who is an absolute mess and one who is genuinely trying to better himself and be a good example for his children. Our kids benefit from us being able to act like behaving adults. The children know above all we love them more than we have disliked each other for any reason. I tell others going through some of what I have experienced, that if you have to "pretend" that the other parent is like a teacher, then do it. You don't have to be his/her best friend, you just need to be able to act in the child(ren)'s best interest. AND one of my best friend's is the step-mother of my eldest! The problems we have had with our sons' father has brought us together. Our boys get to grow up as brothers and we both have someone who knows EXACTLY what we have gone through. Now I know this situation is not common, but in our circumstance, it works. And once again, the children benefit from it. That's all that truly matters anyway.
I have been very blessed with a family that has supported me through it all and I want to take a moment to thank them. My grandparents and my mom have gone above and beyond to help and protect our family and these beautiful children, and support ME when I thought the world was going to end. Here are some quotes, direct from them ... I hope they may be able to help you as they did me ...
"The mills of the Gods' grind slow but exceedingly fine."
Meaning: Give it time, keep doing the right thing and the wrong things done to you will be caught in the grinder.
"You can't make sense out of something that just doesn't make sense."
Meaning: Don't make yourself crazy trying to figure out why someone has done something, if it doesn't make sense, you can't MAKE it make sense by thinking about it more ...
"Give him more pen and paper, he's making our case for us."
Meaning: When someone is lying, let them keep talking/filing papers. Sooner or later they are going to get caught and it's awesome to have it in their own words/writing. AND UNDER OATH.
"You can get through it angry and upset or just get through it."
Meaning: Everyone has trials and tribulations. If you choose to be upset along the way, that's YOUR doing. Regardless you're going to get through it. So it's your choice how you feel along the way.
"Remember, this is only temporary, things are bound to change."
Meaning: Well this one doesn't need an explanation, does it?
Thanks for reading this one ... it means a lot to me to be able to share this "wonderful" knowledge I have acquired along this journey.
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